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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Day 20 -- Depression Sucks :(

My hubby got to see his mom today :) He showed her the video of her grandbabies and that made her smile :) She, in turn, recorded a quick little video (mainly for Connor) where she smiled, waved and said I love you. The doctors are saying she could be going home in a few days!!

We got some pretty crappy news tonight. We've been waiting (very impatiently) to find out if we were going to get this house we'd looked at a few days back. Well, she called tonight and let us know that we unfortunately didn't get it. My hubby asked her if she could tell us why. Learning that the only thing keeping you from your home - the one you plan to teach your children how to ride a bike at, watch them leave for their first date from... It's only because my husband doesn't have employment right now. The fact that he gets a VA check that covers rent - and will get that for the rest of his life. And the fact that he does actually have a job, but that there just isn't any work right now at the moment, but it could pick up at any time... yeah - none of that matters. They went with someone else. Someone lucky enough to have an effing job. And that leaves us, once again with jack s**t ...

And as I write this in a text document for future publishing on my blog... I realize that we aren't just a little screwed. We're royally f**ked! My husband's phone is broken, so we've lost communication. Our internet was shut off this morning, so we can't look for houses for rent. And with next to nothing in the job market worth applying for, I feel as if we've hit rock bottom... But what scares me is, what if this isn't rock bottom. What if we're on the cliff of a deep ravine, and tomorrow we'll step right on in, sinking lower then we've ever feared or imagined... What then.

My photo is of nothing today - the blackness of my hand as I cover the lens. I have absolutely no desire to photograph anything else. What else is there. I'm sinking heavily in my depression right now, and I can't see a way out. Luckily - I know how my mind works. And by this time tomorrow, I'll feel hopeful and reenergized. Too bad I can't feel that way right now. See you soon! XOXO!

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